A Promise Fulfilled....

I cannot believe that it is already February.  It is amazing to think were we were this time last year.  In a couple weeks we would be going to the hospital to treat Caleb.  To say it was a difficult time for us is an understatement.  It was hard to look to our future.  It was hard to know how to dream.

And I can't help but think back to one time in particular last January.  We had just brought Caleb to a specialist, who had run a ridiculous amount of tests, only to come up with what seemed more questions.  And he put Caleb on an insane amount of medication.  He said that he had only prescribed that many a couple times in his entire career.  So there were the immediate concerns of how bad this could actually get...nobody really knew, since nobody really knew what was going on.  Every time we thought it couldn't get worse, somehow it did.  There were financial concerns, insurance concerns.  There were the concerns for permanent damage and even the scary thought that this could take Caleb's life.

But there was also a quiet concern that Caleb and I both had, which we spoke of from time to time.  That was the concern that we would never be able to have children.  You see, since we first got married a couple years before that, we knew we wanted a family.  We struggled our first year with him going on medication that would mean we couldn't try to have children.  So when we finally took him off those meds when he got better, we were hopeful.  We got so excited.  But literally the day after the doctors gave us the "okay" to try to have a baby, Caleb flared up in what would be the scary downward spiral that he experienced last year.  Our dreams felt shattered.

And so that day, last January, when the doctor told us they still didn't have answers, and he still seemed to be getting worse and worse, I went for a run.  I wanted to clear my heart and mind.  I put some worship music on and ran.  And cried.  And told God I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know how to feel.  And I didn't know how my reaction to all this should be because I felt hopeless, when I knew I should trust God.  So I started to ask Him questions.

I remember specifically asking Him to please clear the fog of confusion of what was going on in Caleb's body and to heal Him.

And then I stopped running and started walking.  (I was on an indoor track that went around basketball courts below me.)

Then next thing I asked, I told him I was scared to ask Him.  But I did anyways.  I asked Him if one day we would be able to have a baby.  As I was asking Him this and telling Him I don't know what it would look like for Him to give me an answer, but I needed hope, something happened that made me smile, laugh, and cry all at the same time.  There was a kids class below me that I hadn't known was there because they were tucked away out of my view.  And literally as I am talking to Him about this, a little girl runs out to the middle of the court and looks up at me and started smiling really big and started waving frantically at me.  The next thing you know, the entire class was there waving at me that the entire class stopped what they were doing to join.  I waved back and smiled through tears.  I think I just kept saying, "wow, God, wow.  Thank you!  I am taking that is from you...."

I told Caleb right away, and only spoke of it to a couple people in the days that followed.  But I had thought back to that time multiple times in the days ahead.  It just seemed like a far off dream.  And I told God that I didn't want to doubt Him and I wanted to trust Him that it was an answer from Him and not just coincidence.

Well, I can't help but continue to thank Him today as we are getting ready for the arrival of our daughter.  One year later.  In fact, if she is even a week early, it will be over the one year "anniversary" of Caleb's hospitalization last year.  What a difference!  This year's hospital visit will be vastly different than last year.

So really there aren't many words to express my deep thankfulness to God.  He has shown us a huge amount of love and compassion and generosity.  He has been so very good to us.

I can't wait to meet my daughter.  Maybe she will have curly hair like the little girl that ran out on the basketball court....