A friend came into the salon a while ago. When she sat in the chair she seemed a bit distraught. She was thinking about a friend of her's who is leaving her husband. I don't know this couple, but I was sad for them. And my friend's heart was obviously heartbroken too, after all, she loves them both and described them both as good people.
So we talked, as we always do, of life and matters of the heart as I foiled her hair. I love talking with her because she is so full of love and wisdom and I don't even think she knows how much! But, I hang on to her words and her thoughts.
We talked about life and love and marriage.
In the end, I am convinced of this: Couples don't get married thinking they are going to get divorced. Couples don't get married knowing in advance the struggles they will face, and what life will throw their way. But that is what makes the promises so important. When I promised to Caleb "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" I meant it. And we have had to put those promises into practice already in our short year and a half of marriage. The reason we promise, is because those times will come, no matter who we are. I think I have a pretty good marriage...and for that I am humbled, because I know I am blessed. But part of our blessings have come as a result of our hardships. One blessings is that Caleb and I trust each other and what we have promised, because we have seen each other put it into practice.
My friend made a good point. She said in effect, "Our society doesn't like pain. If something happens, and they cannot fix it, their instinct is to get out and run. They don't actually put a value on persevence." Which makes me so sad for some many people.
I am also blessed because I have only been married a year and a half. And we have a lifetime ahead to hopefully make good patterns and good decisions in our marriage. Although we struggle with health and all that is effected by that, we don't have years of disrespect and unloving words to correct. And I just have to say again, since so many of my friends are struggling in their marriages, that I am humbled. I am humbled in thankfulness.
And my goal is to prevent those things from happening...and when bad things happen, for Caleb and I to persevere together.
I have been reading a book for my book club this month that has been so thought provoking. It is called, "A Severe Mercy." It is about some friends of C.S. Lewis who came to know God after they were married and then his wife gets cancer. In this book there are 18 letters that are written between this man and C.S. Lewis.
I am not super far into the book, but there are a couple thoughts that I think are so profound and have read aloud to Caleb in fact. And so, since they are on my mind, I thought I would jot them down. It is not necessarily truth from Scripture, but I think there is some important wisdom in what he shares, none-the-less.
"We talked deeply...about how to make love endure. What emerged from our talk was nothing less, we believed, than the central 'secret' of enduring love: sharing.
'Look,' we said, 'what is it that draws two people into closeness and love? Of course there's the mystery of physical attraction, but beyond that it's the things they share. We both love strawberries and ships and collies and poems and all beauty, and all those things bind us together. Those sharings just happen to be; but what we must do now is share everything. Everything! If one of us likes anything, there must be something to like in it- and the other one must find it. Every single thing that either of us likes. That way we shall create a thousand strands, great and small, that will link us together. Then we shall be so close it will be impossible- unthinkable- for either of us to suppose that we could ever recreate such closeness with anyone else. And our trust in each other will not only be based on love and loyalty but on the fact of a thousand sharings- a thousand strands twisted into something unbreakable [I have to add that having Christ as the center of those strands is key...Scripture says that a strand of three cords is not easily broken. There is strength in a relationship when Jesus is center.]....
Through sharing we would not only make a bond of incredible friendship, but through sharing we would keep the magic of inloveness. And with every year, more and more depth...."
But he goes on to explain what is fighting against this in marriage....
"...why does love need to be guarded? Against what enemies? We looked about us and saw the world as having become a hosile and threatening place where standards of decency and courtesy were perishing and war loomed gigantic. A world where love did not endure. The smile of inloveness seemed to promise forever, but friends who had been in love last year were parting this year. The divorce rate was in the news. Where were any older people in love? It must be that, whatever its promise, love does not by itself endure. But why? What was the failure behind the failure in love?
On a day in early spring we thought we saw the answer. The killer of love is creeping separateness...Taking love for granted, especially after marriage. Ceasing to do things together. Finding seperate interests. 'We' turning into 'I'. Self. Self-regard: what I want to do. Actual selfishness only a hop away. This was the way of creeping seperateness. And in the modern world, especially in the cities, everything favoured it...The failure of love might seem to be caused by hate or boredom or unfaithfulness with a lover; but those were results. First came the creeping separateness: the failure behind the failure.
We raised the Shining Barrier against creeping separateness, which was, in the last analysis, self. We also raised it against a world of indecencies and decaying standards, the decline of courtesy, the whispering mockers of love. We would have our own standards. [God's standards, more particularly, I might add.] And, above all, we would be us-centered, not self-centered. Against creeping separateness we would oppose the great principle of sharing. We saw self as the ultimate danger to love, which it is; we didn't see it as the ultimate evil of hell, which it also it. We saw only the danger to our love. Still, we turned away from it, turned away because we loved our love. And we determined that it should endure."
I love that he said they loved their love....because that is what I always say! :) Regardless, I just thought these were some interesting thoughts to consider. I talk to women, literally on a daily basis, about relationships and matters of the heart. And so many people, through their own struggles, teach me so many things. And I hope I am the same with them. There is no perfect marriage....because we are imperfect people, all of us!
But how amazing that marriage is entended to be a picture of Christ and the church....the most intimate, pure love that lives contrary to the world's standards. My hope is to be able to have a marriage that models that. If we can grow old together, and look back, and Caleb can say I loved him well, as I loved Jesus well first, I don't think there is much more that would make me pleased. That is except finally hearing I did well from Jesus Himself! :)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
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