To Be Known

You know, one of the things I have been talking with women at the salon recently is our desire, as women, to be known and understood....and in that, valued and loved.

The reason this has been such a regular converstation is that fact that I am realizing that most people don't feel like they have this in their life.

My conclusion:  The one hope I have is that I have confidence Jesus knows me fully and completely.  He knows my past, my hurts, my fears, what I think when I am alone in the quiet of my house, why I do what I do, and why I am how I am.  He knows the pressures I face every day.  He even knows who I will be in the future.  There is nothing that is hidden from Him.  There has never been anything in my life that I have to explain to Him.  He is my friend who just gets me and knows me.  And inspite of all that, He loves me.

You know, we all need to be loved.  And we all need friends and community...that is how God made us.  We aren't intended to be alone.  I think the saddness comes when we put more of a value on people understanding and being there for us than we do on God being that to us.  And at times, we look to people for the validation of what we are feeling, and just pass over the validation from God Himself.

I say this being somebody who struggles with it myself.  I know I am loved deeply by multiple people in my life.  For example, I never knew how much I could loved and valued and appreciated by a husband until I was married.  Caleb loves me so much.  And he wants to know every part of me.  It is so special to be loved this unconditionally and deeply by another human being.

That being said, last September I had to see a breast specialist oncologist to see if I had a cancerous tumor.  We found had found a lump and were concerned because of the fact that my mother died early of breast cancer.  You know, that day I went in to see the doctor, and he ordered an ultrasound and testing, I was overwhelmed with grief.  I don't know if it was for fear of the unknown future, or also reliving so much of the pain of my teeenage years dealing with Mom's cancer.  But that day, when I was actually by myself in my car, I wept.  Sure, I completely could have run into Caleb's arms and be held by him (which of course I did that too), but I needed to just have a good cry with Jesus, just the two of us.  It was so clear to me that no matter how much, and no matter how hard Caleb tried, he could not know me as fully as God knows me in this matter.  And this is not to disrespect him or our relationship, because I think we have more of an intimate relationship than I ever dreamed!  But it is to say, Jesus sat there with me in my car many days when Mom was sick and dying...and we cried together in private many times.  He knew all I had gone through, he knew all I felt and experienced cause He had been right there with me.  As much as I could try to explain to Caleb (which I did that too) there is no way he could fully know all I felt.  He sure tried!  But there was still a limitation to how much he actually could know that part of my life.  So, I cried with Jesus that day, just as I had fifteen years before I even knew Caleb.

In the end, I am so thankful that I did not have cancer.  It was such a relief that we felt!  But regardless, I learned a lesson that day...which, if I am being completely honest, I am still totally learning!  Like I said, we all need others around us to hold us up sometimes.  Trust me, I do.  How many times have I sent out an email to family in the recent months with Caleb actively flaring up?  Too many to count.  But I know there is a striving in my heart if I put more value on their support and understanding that God's.   But I have found most comfort if I go to and trust Jesus' value and love for me, and then those people around me.  It is then that I see them as His gift to love me face-to-face now....that is, until I see Him face-to-face.

I have found comfort in a verse recently that speaks of this.

1 Corinthians 13:12-13 "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.  Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.  And now these things remain: faith, hope and love.  But the greatest of these is love."

I am fully known, and I am fully loved, by God Himself.  In the meantime, I still need those around me.  But I think one day we will see clearly how God just gave us each other to help each other out.  But in the end, God was there all along, wanting to be our everthing and to have the most intimate, deep, real relationship ever!  I pray we all begin to grasp the fact that we don't have to strive so much to be known....cause we are fully known by Jesus, Who loves us completely.