Caleb's recent flare-up has stirred up some really good discussion in the last couple weeks, as we have sat and just talked about life. I got off the phone with my friend Crystal earlier today, where I told her about one topic in particular....
The other day Caleb asked me if I see anything at all in his life that needs to change. He went to on to further explain that years ago, when he would have flare-ups, he thought it was God disciplining him for bad decisions he was making at the time. And when he went into remission for a while, he looked back and thought that the purpose of them in his life was for correction and discipline because shortly after he got his life and relationship with God back on track, the flare-ups stopped. So, that being his past experience, at times of his flare-ups he has often asked me that question. He also told me that when he flares up, he has to fight the thought that God has withdrawn his love from him because he knows that is not the case.
That got me thinking that morning...and as anybody who knows me well knows, I am an external processor...so I began processing things I myself had been dealing with and my response was something like this.....
We need to rest, and let God be God in this situation.
It has been interesting observing people's reactions to Caleb's flare-ups. I know and am so thankful that we are so loved. Truly. I cannot even imagine going through this alone, without the support of our friends and family. In fact, learning to lean on others and receive love and help has been one of the biggest lessons for me in this entire process. However, it amazes me how I let even the smallest comments effect me. Somebody who has the most pure and loving intention can give me their thought on his flare-ups, try to figure them out (along with me cause I myself try to figure it out!), they give advice, etc. But I can walk away feeling like I am not doing enough, or did something wrong, or my attitude isn't right. And it gets me down a bit. The reason: I am trying. I am trying so hard to be faithful to God with my whole heart.
So I told Caleb that I think when we go through these flare-ups I feel like we can learn from Job in the Bible. Job's friends I truly believe were well-intended people. I think they had a genuine concern for Job. They, as we all do, wanted to try to figure out life when tragedy happens. In fact, some of what they said actually was true! But some of it was wrong. For example, they suggested maybe Job did something to displease God and that is why this the horrific things were taking place in Job's life. I told Caleb, that we need to fight those thoughts he was having...because he himself was being like Job's friends to himself.
And we need to just let God be God. He is doing a lot behind the scenes in our life, that we don't see. We don't need to try to figure it out, we just need to remain faithful. In the end, God pretty much told Job....I am God. Let me be God in your life. You won't understand my ways, but you can trust Me. Let me be God. Have faith in me.
So that day, Caleb got in the shower and I heard him begin to sing hymns in the shower. When he got out, he told me, "I am over my short-lived pity party. I told God I am done with it." And he kept on going and kept on singing.
That is hard for me to do. I have realized in this last flare-up how much I let the opinion of others sway my thoughts and I take it on. This isn't right. I am not necessarily going to have the answers to the "why's" in life, although I can try to figure it out. And sometimes God will, in his grace, give me the reasons. I need to just rest because He told me He is with me and I don't have to be afraid. His ways are not my ways.
The crazy thing is that, after I shared some of these things I am learning with my friend Crystal, I went and got out the book "Jesus Calling"...then picked up the phone to call her again. It was amazing how it was almost verbatim what we had discussed. I hope others find this really encouraging as they navigate their way through the ups and downs of life...God is with us. We need to let Him be God, because He is, and He is good.
"Try to stay conscious of Me as you go step by step through this day. My Presence with you is both a promise and a protection. My final statement just before I ascended into heaven was: Surely I am with you always. That promise was for all of My followers, without exception.
The promise of My Presence is a powerful protection. As you journey through your life, there are numerous pitfalls along the way. Many voices clamor for your attention, enticing you to go their way. A few steps away from your true path are pits of self-pity and despair plateaus of pride and self-will. If you take your eyes off Me and follow another's way, you are in grave danger. Even well-meaning friends can lead you astray if you let them usurp My place in your life. The way to stay on the path of Life is to keep your focus on Me. Awareness of My Presence is your best protection."
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Friday, October 14, 2011
Another Time Around....
It is kind of ironic what my last blog entry was about, considering what I am about to share. It was about how Sept 30th was exactly a year since Caleb body began to flare-up last year. When I wrote that I was looking back and thankful...thankful for the lessons, but concluded with the fact that I was thankful it was over too.
Well...the following Tuesday Caleb flared-up again. Since he had started coaching football, we had not had many nights to hang out together. So since we were given free movie tickets, we decided to have date night and go see the movie "Courageous" on his day off practice. Before we got there Caleb mentioned that his hip was a little stiff. To be honest, that didn't seem right to me that his hip was that way. I figured I could see his knee...but something about it being his hip unnerved me.
Usually, after a good nights sleep, his body can heal up enough not to flare. But the next morning it was still stiff. And, as happens with a flare-up, he began getting pain and and his knee started popping too (which is a sign of an oncoming flare-up there). So, he went to practice and had to let them know he would have to be out for a bit to heal up enough.
The tricky thing about flare-ups is that it is a migrating arthritis. So he could have 200 cc units of fluid in a knee one day, then the next day he could also have it in all his toes...we never really know what the next thing will be. It is actually really scary because at that point, he could potentially lose function of whatever joint it effects for months.
The interesting and cool thing about this time around is that we got to put our "plan" into effect....the "plan" we came up with last year, after all was said and done, based upon what helped him the most then.
So....we prayed. First and foremost. I have to be honest, I was really sad. My friend Katie went to coffee that afternoon and wrote in our prayer journals. It was EXACTLY what I needed. Unlike last year, where I struggled to pray in faith, I asked God big things of this flare-ups. I felt peace this would not be a long lasting thing like last time.
And next we put Caleb on prednisone right away instead of waiting a bit.
And it seems to be working!! :) Praise God!! Although he has to baby his hip and knee a lot, it does not seem like last year at all. He is able to go to work, walk, etc....but he just has to come home and rest up his joints a ton. Meaning, he has had to, unfortunately, take a mini break from football....as a preventative measure of it getting worse, and in turn, getting bad again like we saw months ago.
However, we are not out of the clear as of yet. The prednisone will only be in his system a few more days. The tricky thing about this is we are really praying that ALL flare-up activity in his body is completely gone by the end of the weekend. Otherwise he will be susceptible to flaring up again at even a wrong pivot or standing too long, etc. His joints that were effected (his hip and knee) will be weaker for a while. In fact, he is figuring it will be sometime in 2012 before he even goes to the gym to lift super light weights again. (Not that it matters if he is at the gym...more just to give an idea of how long each joint is out as a result of this stuff...we are so thankful he is walking!)
All to say....he seems to be making a comeback...but he is not out of the woods at all yet. But we are defintely hopeful! He has to be soooo careful and totally baby his joints still for a while. He just has to be preventative from flaring again at this point. So, we continue doing what we began by doing....praying. God has healed him up before. And He will do it again. :)
And I still hold on to everything I wrote in the previous blog. This time around we, for the most part, have had soooo much peace. God is with us always, and He is always good.
Well...the following Tuesday Caleb flared-up again. Since he had started coaching football, we had not had many nights to hang out together. So since we were given free movie tickets, we decided to have date night and go see the movie "Courageous" on his day off practice. Before we got there Caleb mentioned that his hip was a little stiff. To be honest, that didn't seem right to me that his hip was that way. I figured I could see his knee...but something about it being his hip unnerved me.
Usually, after a good nights sleep, his body can heal up enough not to flare. But the next morning it was still stiff. And, as happens with a flare-up, he began getting pain and and his knee started popping too (which is a sign of an oncoming flare-up there). So, he went to practice and had to let them know he would have to be out for a bit to heal up enough.
The tricky thing about flare-ups is that it is a migrating arthritis. So he could have 200 cc units of fluid in a knee one day, then the next day he could also have it in all his toes...we never really know what the next thing will be. It is actually really scary because at that point, he could potentially lose function of whatever joint it effects for months.
The interesting and cool thing about this time around is that we got to put our "plan" into effect....the "plan" we came up with last year, after all was said and done, based upon what helped him the most then.
So....we prayed. First and foremost. I have to be honest, I was really sad. My friend Katie went to coffee that afternoon and wrote in our prayer journals. It was EXACTLY what I needed. Unlike last year, where I struggled to pray in faith, I asked God big things of this flare-ups. I felt peace this would not be a long lasting thing like last time.
And next we put Caleb on prednisone right away instead of waiting a bit.
And it seems to be working!! :) Praise God!! Although he has to baby his hip and knee a lot, it does not seem like last year at all. He is able to go to work, walk, etc....but he just has to come home and rest up his joints a ton. Meaning, he has had to, unfortunately, take a mini break from football....as a preventative measure of it getting worse, and in turn, getting bad again like we saw months ago.
However, we are not out of the clear as of yet. The prednisone will only be in his system a few more days. The tricky thing about this is we are really praying that ALL flare-up activity in his body is completely gone by the end of the weekend. Otherwise he will be susceptible to flaring up again at even a wrong pivot or standing too long, etc. His joints that were effected (his hip and knee) will be weaker for a while. In fact, he is figuring it will be sometime in 2012 before he even goes to the gym to lift super light weights again. (Not that it matters if he is at the gym...more just to give an idea of how long each joint is out as a result of this stuff...we are so thankful he is walking!)
All to say....he seems to be making a comeback...but he is not out of the woods at all yet. But we are defintely hopeful! He has to be soooo careful and totally baby his joints still for a while. He just has to be preventative from flaring again at this point. So, we continue doing what we began by doing....praying. God has healed him up before. And He will do it again. :)
And I still hold on to everything I wrote in the previous blog. This time around we, for the most part, have had soooo much peace. God is with us always, and He is always good.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
A Year Later...
It is kinda crazy. I always have loved fall. I still do. One of the things that I have always found comforting is the sound of football playing on TV. I can relax watching the game, fall asleep to a game, clean while listening to a game, return emails multi-tasking to a game...you name it. But I have to say that this year, when the sound of the first game we watched came on a few Sundays ago, my stomach kinda dropped a little. And I realized it was because of the association with Caleb's flare-ups last year. Every Sunday we would watch football after we came home from church. And we would ice/elevate his joints to try to get them as good as they could before going into the next week. And the weeks were sometimes not too fun. In fact, some weeks I don't think I slept much out of stress and worry. So for a brief moment, just the sound of the game brought back the emotions from last year.
However, I quickly got over my emotions I felt...it only took a moment really....but in a way it made me think back. And now, since this last Friday the 30th, was exactly a year since Caleb's flare-up, I decided to make a list of things I am grateful for because of the health issues we faced.
1. I trust my husband so much. I trust Him because even though he could have got angry during his flare-ups, he didn't. In fact I learned how much he trusts God and truly, with all that he is, has a genuine and strong faith. I always knew that, but this really showed me how deep it goes. Not only that, but he didn't complain and he remained patient. What a man of character.
2. Caleb trusts me so much more. I knew he always did trust me, but I know his trust goes so much more deep now. It has meant so much to me to hear him say I was a rock through it all, because I know I tried. And sometimes I just felt weak. But most importantly, I hope that I was a nurturing wife the entire time.
3. We don't really fight. Granted, we argue sometimes sure. What married couple doesn't?!?! But I always say that we couldn't fight over petty things this last year, like which way to put the utensils in the dishwasher, when you are faced with the possibility of one of you not even being able to walk when you wake up in the morning.
4. We are teammates. You know, you get married thinking you are on the same team, but when you have to work together, it really makes it that much more true. Whether it was trying to help him to the restroom at 4:30 in the morning, or him waking up every 3 hours to change the bandages on my throat (cause I had throat surgery at the same time), we needed to work together. We really needed each other.
5. We needed help. I know this doesn't quite sound right to be thankful for it...but I am. I can't say I ever really relied on other people like I had to this last year. Whether it was an encouraging word or finances or friendship or meals....I could not have done it without loved ones support. (In particular, our church family at Hillside.) This is a big lesson for me...that those who give help aren't any "better" than those who need it.
6. I saw God perform a miracle! Caleb's body was getting worse and worse every day it seemed. The flare-ups in each joint were worse, and they were spreading to more and more joints. But since our church prayed over us, Caleb has not had a single flare-up since!!!! Thank you Jesus!!! :)
7. I learned I am weak. Again. :) But God really does help you when you think you are at your end. In fact, that is when you really see it is Him showing up and helping you, and know it is not from your own strength.
8. I was reminded I am not in control. And to be honest, I think this is the biggest way I have grown through it all....I realized that so much of what I try to control is really completely out of my hands. Control is just an illusion really. Which makes me more grateful to know that God is in control.
9. I hope to relate to more people now who suffer. Don't get me wrong, anybody who knows me knows that I have had suffered in my life. But, I can't say I have related entirely to those with chronic pain, auto-immune diseases, financial issues, etc. I hope that I can use these experiences to love others.
10. It's kinda funny to say this when I am making a list of things I am thankful for....but the flare-ups have made me more thankful, and for that I am thankful. Every single day since we have been married, Caleb and I pray together. And every day we literally thank God for our health, providing for us, for our jobs and ability to do our jobs, and the things that seem so basic and that we think we are entitled to. Realizing how dependent we were on God has made us thankful for all the blessings He has given us.
I know this is just a list of 10 things that first came to my mind, but in reality there are many more. It is hard to put into words really. Except I know that Caleb and I have a very special relationship because of the flare-ups that I almost don't even want to try to express cause its so sacred. And I know that God carried us through this time, as timid and shaky as I was at times. I know them both in a much deeper way.
So I am thankful this year is over...but I am also thankful for it....
However, I quickly got over my emotions I felt...it only took a moment really....but in a way it made me think back. And now, since this last Friday the 30th, was exactly a year since Caleb's flare-up, I decided to make a list of things I am grateful for because of the health issues we faced.
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
1. I trust my husband so much. I trust Him because even though he could have got angry during his flare-ups, he didn't. In fact I learned how much he trusts God and truly, with all that he is, has a genuine and strong faith. I always knew that, but this really showed me how deep it goes. Not only that, but he didn't complain and he remained patient. What a man of character.
2. Caleb trusts me so much more. I knew he always did trust me, but I know his trust goes so much more deep now. It has meant so much to me to hear him say I was a rock through it all, because I know I tried. And sometimes I just felt weak. But most importantly, I hope that I was a nurturing wife the entire time.
3. We don't really fight. Granted, we argue sometimes sure. What married couple doesn't?!?! But I always say that we couldn't fight over petty things this last year, like which way to put the utensils in the dishwasher, when you are faced with the possibility of one of you not even being able to walk when you wake up in the morning.
4. We are teammates. You know, you get married thinking you are on the same team, but when you have to work together, it really makes it that much more true. Whether it was trying to help him to the restroom at 4:30 in the morning, or him waking up every 3 hours to change the bandages on my throat (cause I had throat surgery at the same time), we needed to work together. We really needed each other.
5. We needed help. I know this doesn't quite sound right to be thankful for it...but I am. I can't say I ever really relied on other people like I had to this last year. Whether it was an encouraging word or finances or friendship or meals....I could not have done it without loved ones support. (In particular, our church family at Hillside.) This is a big lesson for me...that those who give help aren't any "better" than those who need it.
6. I saw God perform a miracle! Caleb's body was getting worse and worse every day it seemed. The flare-ups in each joint were worse, and they were spreading to more and more joints. But since our church prayed over us, Caleb has not had a single flare-up since!!!! Thank you Jesus!!! :)
7. I learned I am weak. Again. :) But God really does help you when you think you are at your end. In fact, that is when you really see it is Him showing up and helping you, and know it is not from your own strength.
8. I was reminded I am not in control. And to be honest, I think this is the biggest way I have grown through it all....I realized that so much of what I try to control is really completely out of my hands. Control is just an illusion really. Which makes me more grateful to know that God is in control.
9. I hope to relate to more people now who suffer. Don't get me wrong, anybody who knows me knows that I have had suffered in my life. But, I can't say I have related entirely to those with chronic pain, auto-immune diseases, financial issues, etc. I hope that I can use these experiences to love others.
10. It's kinda funny to say this when I am making a list of things I am thankful for....but the flare-ups have made me more thankful, and for that I am thankful. Every single day since we have been married, Caleb and I pray together. And every day we literally thank God for our health, providing for us, for our jobs and ability to do our jobs, and the things that seem so basic and that we think we are entitled to. Realizing how dependent we were on God has made us thankful for all the blessings He has given us.
I know this is just a list of 10 things that first came to my mind, but in reality there are many more. It is hard to put into words really. Except I know that Caleb and I have a very special relationship because of the flare-ups that I almost don't even want to try to express cause its so sacred. And I know that God carried us through this time, as timid and shaky as I was at times. I know them both in a much deeper way.
So I am thankful this year is over...but I am also thankful for it....
Friday, September 30, 2011
My Sister Nhu
I have sat down to write, and rewrite, this post over and over again.
At first I sat down to write about what a fun day I had with my sister, Nhu, a couple days ago. It was a blast! What does a girl from Cambodia want to do when she hangs out with her sister? You guessed it! Shop, go to sushi, and watch a movie! :) It was one of the most fun days I have had in so long!
But as I sit here, each time I begin to write, I feel like there is so many different things I want to share. I have so much more to say than the fact that I had an amazing time with this sweet, sweet girl. In the end, I am just thinking about how much I admire Nhu and how much she has taught me.
It is a rare thing to be able to call somebody your "sister." But I have to say it is such a special thing. She tells me that when people ask who I am, she says, "She not my friend, she my sister." (In her sweet accent.) What a special thing. It is an honor to call Nhu my sister, and to be called hers.
To most she is the name behind the organization "Remember Nhu." I told Nhu that more and more people are hearing her story and want to meet her. She is getting quite a name for herself.
But to me....she is my example of bravery, faith, compassion, and grace. To me, she is my sister. I have a protective love for her. I love it when we share secrets with each other...it reminds me of growing up with my sisters and sharing things behind closed doors.
And I wish I could express to all around me that her heart is so beautiful. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely know that seriously anybody who meets her immediately knows she is humble, and loves deeply. But, I mean this....her heart is so beautiful. When most would be bitter, resentful, defensive, and unforgiving....Nhu is gracious, so forgiving, warm, and compassionate.
All that being said, I have to go back to what I began by saying. When we hang out, we really don't talk about all this deep stuff as much as people would think. Sure we do sometimes, but more than anything else, we like to talk about fun girly stuff. She is such a girly, loveable, fun young lady.
After we were done with our days events, we went back to my house. Nhu watched a movie as I cooked some dinner. It makes me smile thinking about it...I would be cooking away and I would hear her laughing out loud in the other room, over and over again, to what she was watching. She is just so, so precious.
I love my sister, Nhu. :)
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| Nhu had me do her hair like mine when we got back to our house....makes us look even more like sisters! |
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Texas Surprise 2011
About a month ago, Caleb's brother Cam went off to college. So, his mom Sheila has been pretty heartbroken with the house being empty....so we came up with the brilliant idea to all take off work and surprise them for a weekend!
Cam set it up by saying that he needed them home for the weekend because he was coming home to do something special for them. Caleb and I flew into Dallas and stayed at Kate and Garrett's for a night. And then we all drove to Perryton and got to the house before anybody got home. When Sheila walked in, she thought the surprise was that Kate and Garrett where home visiting for the weekend. Then Caleb and I came out from a back room. I think it took a second for her to grasp the fact that we were in front of her! It was such a fun surprise!
And after Bob (Caleb's dad) got home, and we surprised him as well, we got into the car to go see my first 6 man football game. I had no clue there was even such a thing, until I met my husband. It was so fun! And we got to see Caleb's childhood friend, Ray, there as well. I felt like we were at a scene from "Friday Night Lights"...small town all coming out for the Follet vs. Miami game. :)
Cam set it up by saying that he needed them home for the weekend because he was coming home to do something special for them. Caleb and I flew into Dallas and stayed at Kate and Garrett's for a night. And then we all drove to Perryton and got to the house before anybody got home. When Sheila walked in, she thought the surprise was that Kate and Garrett where home visiting for the weekend. Then Caleb and I came out from a back room. I think it took a second for her to grasp the fact that we were in front of her! It was such a fun surprise!
And after Bob (Caleb's dad) got home, and we surprised him as well, we got into the car to go see my first 6 man football game. I had no clue there was even such a thing, until I met my husband. It was so fun! And we got to see Caleb's childhood friend, Ray, there as well. I felt like we were at a scene from "Friday Night Lights"...small town all coming out for the Follet vs. Miami game. :)
The next day we just hung out doing "everyday" type things all day...it was super chill and relazing. Totally laid back. Most of our day consisted of playing games, eating, and watching a movie.
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| Sheila is a great cook! And she is wearing an apron I made her :) |
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| We ate some amazing meals! |
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| Brothers wrestling :) |
The next day we all did what meant most to Sheila...go to church together! It was fun seeing her there with her whole family! Afterwards, we all got some photos taken of us together...since this was the first time we were all together, other than at one of our a weddings!
And then we went to lunch at a great restaurant in Liberal, Kansas (yes, we went throught three states to get there and it only took 45 minutes!). The restuarant was in an old train station building and even had a gluten free menu!
Overall it was just a relaxing week. What meant most was that we all just got to spend time with each other. :) What a great family...what great memories! :)
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Date Night at a Country Diner
Since we were going to a country diner, we had to take his old beat-up (but somehow he loves it) pickup truck. It just seemed fitting. Haha! So with the windows down, we drove through the country.
Once we got there, we ordered buffalo burgers...and got Caleb's on a gluten free bun. That was the main reason we tried this place. I had been told it was an amazing diner and there don't seem to be any other restaurants where they have gluten free hamburger buns. It tasted great!
The way home was so relaxing. Our tummies were full. It was starting to cool down. The sun was setting. I saw first signs of fall...the first trees with leaves changing color! And we smelt the hay being harvested. It made us want to take more drives in the country.
Over all, it was a simple, but great date night! I think next time we will try a different hole-in-the-wall restaurant...a Mexican restaurant called "Nacho Mama's." :)
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Coach Barnes
This has been a lifestyle change for us, in that he is gone everyday for 13 hours straight (between his normal job and coaching). But it is so great to see him come home with a smile on his face and excited about what he is doing!
I am so so so excited to go to the games, and cheer on his first team! But inside, I will really be cheering for Coach Barnes! :)
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