A Year Later...

It is kinda crazy.  I always have loved fall.  I still do.  One of the things that I have always found comforting is the sound of football playing on TV.  I can relax watching the game, fall asleep to a game, clean while listening to a game, return emails multi-tasking to a game...you name it.  But I have to say that this year, when the sound of the first game we watched came on a few Sundays ago, my stomach kinda dropped a little.  And I realized it was because of the association with Caleb's flare-ups last year.  Every Sunday we would watch football after we came home from church.  And we would ice/elevate his joints to try to get them as good as they could before going into the next week.  And the weeks were sometimes not too fun.  In fact, some weeks I don't think I slept much out of stress and worry.  So for a brief moment, just the sound of the game brought back the emotions from last year.

However, I quickly got over my emotions I felt...it only took a moment really....but in a way it made me think back.  And now, since this last Friday the 30th, was exactly a year since Caleb's flare-up, I decided to make a list of things I am grateful for because of the health issues we faced.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.  Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4

1. I trust my husband so much.  I trust Him because even though he could have got angry during his flare-ups, he didn't.  In fact I learned how much he trusts God and truly, with all that he is, has a genuine and strong faith.  I always knew that, but this really showed me how deep it goes.  Not only that, but he didn't complain and he remained patient.  What a man of character.

2. Caleb trusts me so much more.  I knew he always did trust me, but I know his trust goes so much more deep now.  It has meant so much to me to hear him say I was a rock through it all, because I know I tried.  And sometimes I just felt weak.  But most importantly, I hope that I was a nurturing wife the entire time.

3.  We don't really fight.  Granted, we argue sometimes sure.  What married couple doesn't?!?!  But I always say that we couldn't fight over petty things this last year, like which way to put the utensils in the dishwasher, when you are faced with the possibility of one of you not even being able to walk when you wake up in the morning.

4.  We are teammates.  You know, you get married thinking you are on the same team, but when you have to work together, it really makes it that much more true.  Whether it was trying to help him to the restroom at 4:30 in the morning, or him waking up every 3 hours to change the bandages on my throat (cause I had throat surgery at the same time), we needed to work together.  We really needed each other.

5.  We needed help.  I know this doesn't quite sound right to be thankful for it...but I am.  I can't say I ever really relied on other people like I had to this last year.  Whether it was an encouraging word or finances or friendship or meals....I could not have done it without loved ones support.  (In particular, our church family at Hillside.)  This is a big lesson for me...that those who give help aren't any "better" than those who need it. 

6.  I saw God perform a miracle!  Caleb's body was getting worse and worse every day it seemed.  The flare-ups in each  joint were worse, and they were spreading to more and more joints.  But since our church prayed over us, Caleb has not had a single flare-up since!!!!  Thank you Jesus!!! :)

7.  I learned I am weak.  Again. :)  But God really does help you when you think you are at your end.  In fact, that is when you really see it is Him showing up and helping you, and know it is not from your own strength.

8.  I was reminded I am not in control.  And to be honest, I think this is the biggest way I have grown through it all....I realized that so much of what I try to control is really completely out of my hands. Control is just an illusion really.  Which makes me more grateful to know that God is in control.

9.  I hope to relate to more people now who suffer.  Don't get me wrong, anybody who knows me knows that I have had suffered in my life.  But, I can't say I have related entirely to those with chronic pain, auto-immune diseases, financial issues, etc.  I hope that I can use these experiences to love others.

10.  It's kinda funny to say this when I am making a list of things I am thankful for....but the flare-ups have made me more thankful, and for that I am thankful.  Every single day since we have been married, Caleb and I pray together.  And every day we literally thank God for our health, providing for us, for our jobs and ability to do our jobs, and the things that seem so basic and that we think we are entitled to.  Realizing how dependent we were on God has made us thankful for all the blessings He has given us. 


I know this is just a list of 10 things that first came to my mind, but in reality there are many more.  It is hard to put into words really.  Except I know that Caleb and I have a very special relationship because of the flare-ups that I almost don't even want to try to express cause its so sacred.  And I know that God carried us through this time, as timid and shaky as I was at times.  I know them both in a much deeper way.

So I am thankful this year is over...but I am also thankful for it....