In Caleb's Own Words

Caleb's first entry in our blog....

In the wheelchair at work

My affliction: I have a crippling auto-immune disorder that still has yet to be diagnosed with any degree of certainty.  It's a migrating arthritis where joints fill up with an absurd amount of fluid and become incredibly painful and stiff.  It began ten years ago but back then it was not nearly as bad as it has become today.  This condition ended my football career prematurely in college. However, there was one point in time where I seemed to get better and was convinced God had healed me (which is when I met and married my wife).  That was not the case, as here I am today in a wheelchair. 

Over the course of the years, I have had flare-ups in both knees, both ankles, all my toes, both feet, my right elbow, right hand, left thumb, and left hip.  When a joint flares, it takes months to recover before I am able to use it again without risk of reflaring.  The doctors have said that any bad flare-up could cripple me for life.  For over three months now I have lived as a crippled man, unable to walk or drive because of my toes, feet, and ankles flaring up every day.

The hardest thing to deal with is the inability to walk or drive myself anywhere.  I am a very independent person and normally very active.  With crippled feet, I am completely dependent on my wife for everything and am incredibly sedentary.  Many things that I love to do, I am no longer able to do.  God has renewed my mind though through this to value myself as an eternal being who God loves, instead of through athletic achievements on prowess, which I have been prone to in the past.

I am a man's man, a dude's dude, a fairly typical red-meat eatin' college football player, from a ranch in Texas.  I grew up huntin', fishin', working and playing sports my whole life.  I was brought up tough.  My dad was a former Marine, and my mom was harder on us than he was.  I loved it.  I'm so blessed to have been raised that way.

I say this little bit about my background to give an insight into my mentality.  I know how to push through pain, I've done it my whole life.   My very first college football game I broke my collarbone in the 3rd quarter, but I finished the game.  My jr. year in high school, I dislocated my ring finger in the first play of the second half, and put it back in place myself and never missed a down.  I've torn ligaments in my ankles and cartilage in a knee and played through it.  But I currently can't drive myself anywhere or even walk more than a few steps.  I go to work in a wheelchair now.  I'm not able to push through this.  The harder I try to push through it, the worse I get.  It's so humbling. 

I've always taken pride in being tough and strong.  God has taken that pride away.  When something cripples you like this, and you don't have an accurate idea of what true manly qualities  are, it can cripple your heart as well.  The fear of not being a good man has bothered me in the past.  In my current condition, which may or may not be permanent (for this life anyway), I'm not able to do anything that would be considered "manly" except for maybe sharpening my knives or cleaning my guns.

I've come to realize what makes a good man.  While I enjoy throwing knives, lifting weights and playing football those things have nothing to do with being a good man, or even a man at all.  They're just fun activities to engage in.  The best leaders are the best followers...followers of Jesus.  The best men I know are uncompromising in following the Lord.  In the last year of my physically suffering, God has renewed my mind continuously.  I now see more clearly that I'm a better man now because I love and trust Jesus more than when I was healthy and able to deadlift 500 lbs. 

I also value people and life more now, which enables me to love more radically as we are called to do.  When the worst happens, and you trust God through it, He will deliver you and see you through.  It may not look like you want it to, but in the end it'll be better for you.  We need to let God be God and just trust Him and encourage each other to do the same.

I have learned that control is just an illusion.  I can't control whether or not I will get better.  I can't control whether or not I will get promoted at work, be able to have kids, or help unbelievers put their hope and faith in Christ.  It's all out of my control.  There is not one of us that is actually able to control our lives, no matter how hard we try.  It is a reality that none of us are really in true control.  But God is in control.  We need to be good stewards with the blessings God has given us.  If we seek first his righteousness then all those thing will be added to us.  We can't control anything really, as far as outcomes are concerned, however, we can control our attitude and whether or not we will be obedient to what Jesus says.  That's all we can do and it's truly freeing to let go of the illusion of control and depend completely on God for everything, because He loves us so much.

The truth is that this life is temporary.  So I live this life, and face this affliction, with heaven in mind.  In heaven I will spend eternity with Jesus.  In the meantime I will fix my eyes on what is unseen, heaven and Jesus, and know that after a life of struggle and service to Him I will be restored fully.  That is why and how I have joy and hope regardless of my physical circumstances.

I am determined, just as in my football days, pushing through the pain to finish the game strong, to finish this life strong with my one goal in mind...To see Jesus and hear him say "Well done man."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."