Life's Deep Emotions

I dropped Caleb off at work this afternoon and then drove over to the Nike campus for a run.  Today was a good day to get outside with some sun breaks here and there.  As I ran, ipod on, my mind cleared and I was deep in thought.  And a flock of geese that flew over head got me thinking and remembering and pondering.

My thoughts are probably nothing profound.  But I have found it true none-the-less.  And since my primary purpose of blogging is to have a family journal of events and lessons and life's experiences, I thought I should include this, even though many others will be looking into my brain as well.  So forgive me if I ramble, or even don't make sense.  I just want to get these thoughts out of my head.  :)

My thought of the day: Even though it so hard to go through difficult times, I almost wonder if that is when you are experiencing what it truly means to live.....

When I saw my strong husband become so weak that I had to dress him each day, when I had to bring him his toothbrush each day cause he couldn't stand, when we didn't know if he would be able to keep working or even his job for that matter, or more importantly, when the doctor tells you it could ultimately be life threatening.....well, it tears up your heart in every way possible.  But at the same time, I realize it has made me truly feel emotions.  I experienced emotions that I never even knew existed these last number of months.  One of them being a sense of love for Caleb I could not have mustered up without these trials.  The other was just a vulnerable awareness of how fragile this life is.  Yet another was awe and wonder at how big my God is.  The list is endless, and the emotions are deep.

I think this year I learned in a deeper way what living really is...and embracing emotions, instead of masking them.

I remember one morning reading about a friend of mine's life.  There were wonderful things happening in her life, her experiencing things that Caleb and I couldn't even comprehend for our lives at the time, and I was feeling a little "left out" of life, to be honest.  But, only a moment later, I knew with certainty that I wasn't left out at all.  My life was full.  I had just dropped Caleb off at work, and I looked up at the sky and saw a flock of Canadian geese flying overhead on a brisk, late fall, morning.  And I breathed in....and I thought....I was experiencing life and all its emotions, good and bad, in a profound way.  So I took it in.  The simpleness of the birds in the air caused me to pause, at that moment in my life, and I prayed.  I knew that my heartbreak was a direct result of the deep love for my husband, otherwise the pain wouldn't be so deep.  And I knew God was with me in a very real sense at that moment, as the birds squawked above me.

Well, I went off to my work...for a long day of telling and re-telling people all that was going on.  At the end of it, I was pretty spent emotionally.  I was back on my way to pick up my husband.  I had just talked to him on the phone and he wasn't having a great day physically and I was trying to prepare myself for what I would find when I got there.  And a song came on the radio and tears streamed down my face.  I just knew God was with me as I saw the most brilliant sunset in front of me on a cold fall evening, on my way to pick up my husband from work.

"Light Up The Sky"

The Afters

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

In the midst of confusion of intense emotions, God met me there.  He showed me that He was with me.  And I felt the intensiveness of life.

Well, today as I ran along the trail, only a half mile or so where I saw the geese last fall, I looked up in the sky and saw a flock once again.  This time the clouds had scattered, the sun beat down on my face with the coming Spring, and I turned off my ipod so I would hear the squawking once again.  Today, I had dropped off a more healthy Caleb who was smiling and walking in to work himself.  Words cannot express the emotions, the gratitude that run deep down to know that for today the world feels okay.

And as life seems more peaceful, I hope to always keep these lessons on the forefront of my mind.  To take deep breaths, enjoy those around me, being aware of God's nearness and my smallness, and to know that no matter what....that all is well with my soul, emotions and all.