In Caleb's Own Words

Caleb's first entry in our blog....

In the wheelchair at work

My affliction: I have a crippling auto-immune disorder that still has yet to be diagnosed with any degree of certainty.  It's a migrating arthritis where joints fill up with an absurd amount of fluid and become incredibly painful and stiff.  It began ten years ago but back then it was not nearly as bad as it has become today.  This condition ended my football career prematurely in college. However, there was one point in time where I seemed to get better and was convinced God had healed me (which is when I met and married my wife).  That was not the case, as here I am today in a wheelchair. 

Over the course of the years, I have had flare-ups in both knees, both ankles, all my toes, both feet, my right elbow, right hand, left thumb, and left hip.  When a joint flares, it takes months to recover before I am able to use it again without risk of reflaring.  The doctors have said that any bad flare-up could cripple me for life.  For over three months now I have lived as a crippled man, unable to walk or drive because of my toes, feet, and ankles flaring up every day.

The hardest thing to deal with is the inability to walk or drive myself anywhere.  I am a very independent person and normally very active.  With crippled feet, I am completely dependent on my wife for everything and am incredibly sedentary.  Many things that I love to do, I am no longer able to do.  God has renewed my mind though through this to value myself as an eternal being who God loves, instead of through athletic achievements on prowess, which I have been prone to in the past.

I am a man's man, a dude's dude, a fairly typical red-meat eatin' college football player, from a ranch in Texas.  I grew up huntin', fishin', working and playing sports my whole life.  I was brought up tough.  My dad was a former Marine, and my mom was harder on us than he was.  I loved it.  I'm so blessed to have been raised that way.

I say this little bit about my background to give an insight into my mentality.  I know how to push through pain, I've done it my whole life.   My very first college football game I broke my collarbone in the 3rd quarter, but I finished the game.  My jr. year in high school, I dislocated my ring finger in the first play of the second half, and put it back in place myself and never missed a down.  I've torn ligaments in my ankles and cartilage in a knee and played through it.  But I currently can't drive myself anywhere or even walk more than a few steps.  I go to work in a wheelchair now.  I'm not able to push through this.  The harder I try to push through it, the worse I get.  It's so humbling. 

I've always taken pride in being tough and strong.  God has taken that pride away.  When something cripples you like this, and you don't have an accurate idea of what true manly qualities  are, it can cripple your heart as well.  The fear of not being a good man has bothered me in the past.  In my current condition, which may or may not be permanent (for this life anyway), I'm not able to do anything that would be considered "manly" except for maybe sharpening my knives or cleaning my guns.

I've come to realize what makes a good man.  While I enjoy throwing knives, lifting weights and playing football those things have nothing to do with being a good man, or even a man at all.  They're just fun activities to engage in.  The best leaders are the best followers...followers of Jesus.  The best men I know are uncompromising in following the Lord.  In the last year of my physically suffering, God has renewed my mind continuously.  I now see more clearly that I'm a better man now because I love and trust Jesus more than when I was healthy and able to deadlift 500 lbs. 

I also value people and life more now, which enables me to love more radically as we are called to do.  When the worst happens, and you trust God through it, He will deliver you and see you through.  It may not look like you want it to, but in the end it'll be better for you.  We need to let God be God and just trust Him and encourage each other to do the same.

I have learned that control is just an illusion.  I can't control whether or not I will get better.  I can't control whether or not I will get promoted at work, be able to have kids, or help unbelievers put their hope and faith in Christ.  It's all out of my control.  There is not one of us that is actually able to control our lives, no matter how hard we try.  It is a reality that none of us are really in true control.  But God is in control.  We need to be good stewards with the blessings God has given us.  If we seek first his righteousness then all those thing will be added to us.  We can't control anything really, as far as outcomes are concerned, however, we can control our attitude and whether or not we will be obedient to what Jesus says.  That's all we can do and it's truly freeing to let go of the illusion of control and depend completely on God for everything, because He loves us so much.

The truth is that this life is temporary.  So I live this life, and face this affliction, with heaven in mind.  In heaven I will spend eternity with Jesus.  In the meantime I will fix my eyes on what is unseen, heaven and Jesus, and know that after a life of struggle and service to Him I will be restored fully.  That is why and how I have joy and hope regardless of my physical circumstances.

I am determined, just as in my football days, pushing through the pain to finish the game strong, to finish this life strong with my one goal in mind...To see Jesus and hear him say "Well done man."

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

"Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."



Relearning More Lessons

A week an a half ago we went to a different specialist to look at Caleb.  We still are trying to process what he said...that he is not certain if the diagnosis that Caleb has been given is correct or not.  So in the upcoming weeks, we are going to be running lots of tests, biopsies, blood work, etc. to try to get down to the bottom of what is wrong with my wonderful husband.  There is an array of things it could be...of all levels of concern.  It could actually be that he has a couple different things.  Regardless, the doctor said it is an unusual case and prescribed so many meds that he said he has only prescribed this many a few times in his career.

It has kind of left us in an unknown season.  But even this morning I was reminded in my reading of the truth that we are hanging onto.  I started reading 2 Corinthians again, and oh how I love this book!  In the first chapter I was reminded once again of God's purposes.  Years ago, right before she was diagnosed with her terminal cancer, Mom told Dad that she really felt God led her to and really spoke to her through a passage from this chapter, in particular verses 8-11.  And this passage really encouraged and lifted her up during her illness, and it did the same for me once again this morning.

"For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia.  For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself.  Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death.  But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead.  He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us.  On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again.  You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many."

This really strengthened my heart this morning.  We (I!!!) don't have to be fearful of the unknown and the struggles we are facing.  That is because we can trust God.  As hard as we can strive to rely on ourselves, it is God who has the power to help us.  So, just as last year we were able to make it through a hard bout of flare-ups, we trust that God is with us helping us through right now as well.  So, this morning (as I often have to do day by day), I determined to set my hope firmly on God's deliverance.

So during this time we trust.

But we are also asking those in our lives to pray with us, as the verse said, so many will give thanks to God on our behalf.  We are asking above all that God is magnified and glorified in our lives.  We want to make sure that we are surrendered and yielded to every purpose that God has planned for this trial we are in.  And then, also asking us to give us some answers to know what is going on in Caleb's body.

In the meantime I am going to keep reading 2 Corinthians (and recommend it for everybody!).  In fact, I just got cookies out of the oven (sugar, dairy, gluten free cookies I might add) and about to go drink coffee, as I read with Caleb.  These are sweet moments that are simply timeless and amazing, and I am thankful for peace for today.

On a side note, I am so thankful to my friend Heather Hurt who bought me a new Bible for me to read through during this time.  I had mentioned I LOVED the "set-up" of the Bible which has lines on the side to write notes as you read.  Anyhow, she went and bought one for me and I am sooo thankful for it!  Although the words are the same, it is fun and inspiring to have a new Bible.

I love 2 Corinthians!

Vegetarian Challenge

It has been quite challenging for me to try to come up with good recipes for Caleb to eat that are vegetarian.  I have never really been one to follow a recipe, because I like to just create my meals.  But, I think I will be resorting to that soon...otherwise Caleb may just get sick of the same meals over and over again! haha!

My favorite food that I have created was inspired by my friend Erin Milner.  I have tweaked it multiple times but I think last night was the way that Caleb likes it the best.  And it is the perfect snack/meal to eat while watching football games...tomato-less salsa! :)

We LOVE chips and salsa.  But now that Caleb can't have tomatoes, this is perfect!  I am really bad at knowing how much I put into things, I just go by taste.  But the following is the idea to how I made it.  We highly recommend it. :)

1 whole cucumber
1 cluster of green onions diced
1/2 cluster(ish) of chopped cilantro
2 small avocados diced
(put a ton of lime juice over the avocados to keep them green and for taste...maybe 1/4 cup?)
3 Tbsp(ish) diced garlic
1 & 1/2 cup(ish) corn
1 & 1/2 cup(ish) black beans
salt (maybe 1 tsp?)

I did make it the other day with jicama, but realized it is grown in the ground and did not know if it is a nightshade or not.  I still can't figure that out, so I left it out this time. (Caleb can't have nightshades due to arthritis.)  I also had put diced (really small) yellow onion in it before, but I think we like just a lot of green onion better. 

I think next on my list will be to learn how to make homemade potato-less black bean soup! :)  Hopefully more to come!

Romance: A Deeper Perspective

I looked online at what the Webster's Dictionary defines as "romance" and was completely disappointed.  The first definition that came up as a verb was:

1. to try to influence or curry favor with especially by lavishing personal attention, gifts, or flattery

My response is that is completely ridiculous.  Now, don't get me wrong, gifts and attention are definite ways we can show love, for sure.  But if this were all romance is, how selfish, and even manipulative, is that definition?!?! 

After dropping Caleb off at work today, my mind wandered as I listened to music and admired the beautiful scenery around me.  It is a beautiful winter morning.  The sun is shining, there is lots of fog, and there is frost all over the trees.  It all radiates beauty.

But I have to say that thinking of my relationship with Caleb, I feel like I am learning many lessons on the beauty of what true romance is.

It is true that it breaks my heart that Caleb hasn't been able to drive, and now even walk, into work for months.  I cry over it.  But I have to say that I know these are special times, when I take a step back from it and think about it.  We have so much time together, even if it is because of an icky disease.

Today I was praying and asking God for a morning tomorrow that looks like today.  This is because, before I go off to work tomorrow, I really want to take Caleb for a walk in his wheelchair.  I have been saying for days that he needs to get out of the house and work building.  Each day when I wheel him in and out of work, I comment that he needs fresh air.  And so I am asking Jesus for a morning that we can simply enjoy getting out together.  And to be honest, I cannot express how romantic that sounds.  Truly.  The thought of wheeling Caleb around to enjoy a beautiful morning, well, it just sounds like a wonderful thing, in spite of why he can't walk himself.  I get to help him and bless him in ways I couldn't otherwise.

And for Caleb....I don't even know if he knows how many times I have cried over a comment he made a few weeks back....and by that I mean cry in a good way.  I was getting ready for the day and he was reading his Bible in the other room.  He said, "Hey Sweetie, check out this verse..." and he continues to recite the Scripture he was reading to me.  I responded with "Oh, thank you, that is just what I needed to hear."  And then, he says to me (oh I tear up even writing this), "You know, I can't do much, but I can wash you in the Word."  It is true that Caleb is restricted from doing many things.  But I don't know if he even realizes how much he is succeeding in one of the main things that matter....protecting and providing me food for my soul.  By this he is showing me true love.  Ephesians 5:25-28 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.  So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies.  He who loves his own wife loves himself." 

So, as I go about my day, I have peace this morning.  My heart is warmed by the thought that I am experiencing a love that is so unlike what the world experiences or strives for.  Romance is not the getting dolled up to impress and flattery of one another.  I am learning that the deepest romance, the romance worth fighting for for a lifetime, is one that elevates the other person, serves them, and directs them to Jesus and not yourself.  True romance can be expressed in the everyday things.  And it is so worth it....

Meat-less

And so we begin a new endeavor at the Barnes'.....

Funny thing, I have said that the author of the book "The Five Love Languages" missed one.  My husband's love language is FOOD.  Haha!  I am serious.  It is true that the way to his heart was through his stomach.  He feels loved when I cook for him.

Well, it looks like I am going to be preparing food for him even more than I have!  I now need to learn how to cook (he is determined that we not call it "vegetarian") meat-less other than eggs and fish.  Oh boy...this is going to be an adventure.

It will be an adventure for me of trying to be creative and have enough time to prepare food to taste hearty even though it doesn't have animal protein.  It will be an adventure for him of...well, of accepting the fact that there really is such a thing as a meal without meat.

My friend, Billie, connected me with a naturopath in Seattle that has really, really helped her MS a great deal. In fact, decades after being diagnosed, she is off all western medicine and doing incredibly well.  That being said, she gave me her naturopath's number and I gave him a call this week.

Upon telling him of Caleb's condition he was pretty direct with me.  He said it was one of the hardest conditions to treat, including cancer.  That really didn't surprise me, but was still pretty hard to hear.  However, he has seen his own mother, who has Rheumatoid Arthritis, go from hardly being able to pull up her own pants year ago, to now at 88, being able to live and function on her own and is not on harsh medications.  So I listened to him.  And I have to say we are intrigued. 

So the first step....eek!!!...eliminate meat, sugar, tomatoes, and nightshades from Caleb's diet.  That is including all of the other things we have eliminated (gluten, dairy, soy, alcohol, caffeine, and potatoes).  POOR BUDDY!!!!  Although I will really try to stay on a similar diet when at home, I just don't know if even I can do it!  But, as I have done with the other foods, I will keep all things Caleb can't eat out of the house. 

I know this may sound extreme to some, but considering the prognosis and the severity of Caleb's condition, even if it helps only partly, it is absolutely worth a shot!   We will simply try it out and see if he does better or not.  If he doesn't, well, I don't know how long he will try it for before giving in again.  :)  The naturopath said his mother was a vegetarian (I mean, meatless except eggs and salmon...haha) for three years before adding some foods back into her diet here and there, from time to time.

He also explained that this is not the only thing he needs to do.  There are a few things he can take that are food-based while he is on western medicines.  But he said, if we can get him of methorexate and prednisone (as we did last year for months) then there is more naturopathically we can do to get down to the problem.  If we end up going this route, it will takes months to get to that point again.  He is pot committed right now to the drugs he is on.  There is no way we can take him off them right now or who knows how many joints would flare up. 

So....this means I have a lot of preparing food ahead of me!  And it also means I am gladly taking any recipes that fall into those dietary restrictions!  We just want Caleb healthy....and I will continue to try to make his tummy happy in the process...

Week One of the New Year

At the start of the New Year, Caleb began to memorizing some verses he has wanted to cement into his brain and heart.  And every night, throughout the upcoming year, he plans on reciting each of them to me before we go to sleep.

The first verse he learned was one that was very dear to my heart...and now his as well.  I have heard him multiple times reciting that verse out loud in the other room.  It makes me smile and tear up all at the same time.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.  For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

So the first week of our year has been...well, interesting.  It has been a little disappointing.  But then again, we really are light in our spirits.

Caleb isn't doing so great, although it could be so much worse.  The flare-ups, although they aren't jumping to other joints, continues to plague his toes and feet and now a little bit his ankles.  It is so sad to see.  He can't walk too well at all.  In fact, we had to put him in a wheelchair this week.  It wasn't fun.  I know it took more mental strength for him to do that, then to toughen up and keep working each day. But, being that it is in Caleb to have to get to work, he and I realized the best way to make sure he can keep working is to stop walking and get in the chair.  Although it is still a concern how purple his feet get when he sits with them hanging down.

Then, today we had a nice little trip to the ER.  He began developing a really bad rash on his feet that would turn into purple splotches.  When we talked to the doctor, they advised us to go to the ER cause the doctor was not in...this was in case it was a circulatory issue or infection that was spreading. 






Every person who came in were shocked that such a strong guy would have such bad auto immune symptoms.  But he was friendly, smiling, and I am so proud of him.

In the end, they said that this all just means that his condition has progressed and they prescribed some extra meds (doubling the doses he already has).  We see a different doctor who is a specialist on Tuesday when we are going to get further instructions. 

We want him better so badly.  And we really do believe we will get through the bout of flare-ups, just like we did last year.  We have done it before, we will do it again.  Actually....God will do it again.  Our church began praying for us during communion this last Sunday, and they are going to continue to do that each week until we see change.  THAT is the most encouraging part of all of this.  God has healed him before.  And we are eager to tell the story of it again this year.

I cannot stress enough the peace we have tonight.  We watched the show "Wipeout" and just cracked up and laughed and cuddled on the couch.  You know, we have a really, really good life.  I know many have been concerned for us today.  And we are thankful cause we are loved.  And we are thankful because we absolutely, 100% feel the prayers of all of those who love us!

So, bring on the healing!  We are hopefully on the right track.  In the meantime, Caleb will continue to remind me of his special verse often...

The Future Mr.&Mrs. Routley!!

We had been waiting eagerly for the 26th to come, being that Janelle's boyfriend, JJ Routley, was coming to town!  And, lucky us, we were the first that got to spend time with them for the first couple days of their visit. 

They got in after dinner on Monday night and we stayed up talking for a bit.  We instantly loved JJ...what a great guy!  Actually, it was funny because we figured out that JJ and I went to college together the first semester I was at Emmaus Bible College.  So I have known who he was for a long time.  But it was fun to see him in a totally new light...as the guy who loves my baby sister!  It was super fun to see them together. :)

The next morning the couple ate a quick breakfast and left super early to head to Cannon Beach.  When they got there, it was super stormy.  In fact, it made the news here in town that the beaches had super strong winds.  But we knew that the lovely couple would have fun anyways...they were exploring together. This was the picture I took as they walked out the door for their day's adventures.

Then....next thing you knew, I got this text while I was at the grocery store!  And nearly screamed out loud!

We could hardly wait for them to get back into town to celebrate with them.  After they had dinner at Mo's they finally made their way back to our place!  We were so thrilled that we were the lucky ones that got to enjoy their first moments as an engaged couple!  This was the picture I took when they walked in the door. :)

So we all sat, toasted with apple cider, and Caleb and I listened to the story of how JJ asked her to be his wife. 

Janelle always talks about how Cannon Beach is her favorite place to go.  So JJ had locked that in his brain for future use.  So when he realized that they were going to be at the beach before he met Dad, he ended up calling Dad to ask for permission before they got in town.  (Story on that later.)  So Janelle didn't figure it was going to happen at the beach.  In fact, the weekend before she and I discussed how it probably wouldn't happen then.  Well, when they made their way through the wind storm to the rock, they were the only couple on the beach other than one other couple.  JJ started talking about how he had known for a while that he loved Janelle and would want to spend the rest of his life with her.  She almost jokingly said that this would be the perfect time to propose.  And then the next thing you know, he was on his knee asking her to be his wife.  She laughed, said something about he needs to ask Dad first, and then a huge "YES!!!!!"  Hahaha!  LOVE IT! Then the other couple came up and took a few pictures of them.

We had so much fun with them!  Now it is time for wedding planning! We have been dreaming of the day Janelle would get married for some time now...and we have to say she did a great job!  Actually, GOD did a great job matching them up!  We truly love that JJ will be a part of our family!

The next day, Dad told me his story from JJ's call to ask for permission to marry Janelle.  He was in the car, on his way to pick up Diane, when JJ called.  As he was pulling into a parking lot, he realized what was happening and was really trying to concentrate.  He thinking about how important this call was and how he wanted to make sure his response was very clear and said just how he wanted it to be.  So, that being said, he wasn't paying very close attention to his drive.  Next thing he knew, as they were having this conversation...he backed up over a curb, grass AND sidewalk!!  Hahaha!  Oh, gotta love my dad! :) 

So now the couple is back in Iowa and the next time we see them, they will be saying "I do!"  Ahhh! So exciting!  The greatest part is this is only the beginning..... :)