Fasting and Hamburgers

Well, good and bad news.

Actually, mainly good news....Caleb is doing so, so much better!  He is working full time again, driving, and has been off of all meds for a few weeks now!  It is, oh, so wonderful!

Bad news is that he decided to start his "arthritis fast" this last Monday.  Meaning, today he is on day #5 of his fast, drinking only a couple small glasses of freshly juiced vegetables (consisting of cabbage, celery, and carrots..eek!).  Poor guy, he is so hungry.  It all deals with a book called "Conquering Arthritis: What Doctors Don't Tell You, Cause They Don't Know."  When he read it a couple months back, it seemed to line up with his condition and explain a lot of things.  So, since it has helped so many other people, he is now giving it a shot too.  He has two more days until he begins slowly adding foods back into his diet (1 food per 1-3 days).  So, Monday we is planning on adding an apple into his diet, black beans on Tuesday, rice on Wednesday, trout on Saturday, etc.  He is super determined.  And good thing for me, he isn't cranky like I am when he gets hungry!!! Can you imagine Caleb cranky??? hahaha! It almost makes me laugh thinking of it.

Me on the other hand....well, I am eating more normal.  I have been trying not to cook food in our house so that he doesn't have to smell it.  So, I went to sushi with my friend Emily a few days ago, went to Chipotle another....anything to help the guy out.  And today, hee hee, my friend Crystal spoiled me.

Back story:  When we started putting Caleb on a vegetarian diet for a month or so back in February, I was not doing so well with it myself.  He didn't notice a different with how his body and mind functioned without meat, believe it or not.  Me on the other hand....I am convinced I started getting super anemic.  So, one day I was hanging out with Crystal and we decided to go get HAMBURGERS!  I normally hadn't really done that much before....but my body was just not feeling right and was craving MEAT.  So, since Red Robin was having a sale on their hamburgers for a couple weeks we went there.  Thus, began my two weeks of Red Robin hamburgers....it took going out to lunch with FIVE of friends....meaning, FIVE HAMBURGERS and SEVEN BASKETS OF FRIES HAHAHAHAHA later, I felt like myself again! LOL! Not even joking.  I did that all in two weeks, by the way.  :)  And, no, I am not pregnant.  :)

Well, after I got my levels back on track, I seemed fine and didn't really crave hamburgers again for a while.  But since Caleb is fasting, Crystal once again came to my rescue and brought me a hamburger from Killer Burgers.  Okay.  Seriously.  The hamburgers there are uh-mazing.  Lets just say I immediately worked out when I got home from work.  (She brought it to my work when I did her hair today).  A hamburger with PEANUT BUTTER and BACON.  Hence, Killer Burger.  Caleb asked me how it was.  All I could say is, "It's probably not best we talk about the hamburger when you are fasting, Sweets."  :)

All to say, Caleb keeps saying that I am scared that, as he adds things back to his diet, that he will react and reflare.  He, on the other hand, is excited that many of the foods he has been avoiding he will be able to add back in.  That is what we are praying for, and in probability will likely happen.  Time will tell.

So, for now, I am gonna go clean the veggies for his "dinner" tonight.  Good thing my tummy is full still from lunch. :)

The Hole In Our Gospel

For book club, we are reading Richard Stearn's book "The Hole in Our Gospel."  Stearns is the president of World Vision, which is a humanitarian organization that labors to tackle the causes of poverty and injustice around the world.  It is a very eye-opening book and very convicting.

Although there are so many thoughts and lessons in the book, the following is an excerpt that deals specifically with the problem of hunger in our world, and how we have become desensitized to the statistics that seem so hard to comprehend....

"Whenever a major jetliner crashes anywhere in the world, it inevitably sets off a worldwide media frenzy covering every aspect of the tragedy.  I want you to imagine for a moment that you woke up this morning to the following headline: "One Hundred Jetliners Crash, Killing 26,500."  Think of the pandemonium this would create across the world as heads of state, parliaments, and congresses convened to grapple with the nature and causes of this tragedy.  Think about the avalanche of media coverage that it would ignite around the globe as reporters shared the shocking news and tried to communicate its implications for the world.  Air travel would no doubt grind to a halt as governments shut down the airlines and panicked air travelers canceled their trips.  The National Transportation Safety Board and perhaps the FBI, CIA, and local law enforcement agencies and their international equivalents would mobilize investigations and dedicate whatever manpower was required to understand what happened to prevent it from happening again.  


Now imagine that the very next day, one hundred more planes crashed- and one hundred more the next, and the next, and the next.  It is unimaginable that something this terrible could ever happen.


But it did-and it does.


It happened today, and it happened yesterday.  It will happen again tomorrow.  But there was no media coverage.  No heads of state, parliaments, or congresses stopped what they were doing to address the crisis, and no investigations were launched.  Yet more than 26,500 children died yesterday of preventable causes related to their poverty, and it will happen again today and tomorrow and the day after that.  Almost 10 million children will be dead in the course of a year.  So why does the crash of a single plane dominate the front pages of newspapers across the world while the equivalent of one hundred planes filled with children crashing daily never reaches our ears?  And even though we now have the awareness, the access, and the ability to stop it, why have we chosen not to? Perhaps one reason is that these kids who are dying are not our kids; they're somebody else's."

I just thought this was so impactful.  As Caleb and I have been purposefully spending time dreaming and praying about our future and what it will look like, I am just more and more sure that we want to make a difference and leave a legacy of love and truth and grace.....regardless of what that looks like.

Life's Deep Emotions

I dropped Caleb off at work this afternoon and then drove over to the Nike campus for a run.  Today was a good day to get outside with some sun breaks here and there.  As I ran, ipod on, my mind cleared and I was deep in thought.  And a flock of geese that flew over head got me thinking and remembering and pondering.

My thoughts are probably nothing profound.  But I have found it true none-the-less.  And since my primary purpose of blogging is to have a family journal of events and lessons and life's experiences, I thought I should include this, even though many others will be looking into my brain as well.  So forgive me if I ramble, or even don't make sense.  I just want to get these thoughts out of my head.  :)

My thought of the day: Even though it so hard to go through difficult times, I almost wonder if that is when you are experiencing what it truly means to live.....

When I saw my strong husband become so weak that I had to dress him each day, when I had to bring him his toothbrush each day cause he couldn't stand, when we didn't know if he would be able to keep working or even his job for that matter, or more importantly, when the doctor tells you it could ultimately be life threatening.....well, it tears up your heart in every way possible.  But at the same time, I realize it has made me truly feel emotions.  I experienced emotions that I never even knew existed these last number of months.  One of them being a sense of love for Caleb I could not have mustered up without these trials.  The other was just a vulnerable awareness of how fragile this life is.  Yet another was awe and wonder at how big my God is.  The list is endless, and the emotions are deep.

I think this year I learned in a deeper way what living really is...and embracing emotions, instead of masking them.

I remember one morning reading about a friend of mine's life.  There were wonderful things happening in her life, her experiencing things that Caleb and I couldn't even comprehend for our lives at the time, and I was feeling a little "left out" of life, to be honest.  But, only a moment later, I knew with certainty that I wasn't left out at all.  My life was full.  I had just dropped Caleb off at work, and I looked up at the sky and saw a flock of Canadian geese flying overhead on a brisk, late fall, morning.  And I breathed in....and I thought....I was experiencing life and all its emotions, good and bad, in a profound way.  So I took it in.  The simpleness of the birds in the air caused me to pause, at that moment in my life, and I prayed.  I knew that my heartbreak was a direct result of the deep love for my husband, otherwise the pain wouldn't be so deep.  And I knew God was with me in a very real sense at that moment, as the birds squawked above me.

Well, I went off to my work...for a long day of telling and re-telling people all that was going on.  At the end of it, I was pretty spent emotionally.  I was back on my way to pick up my husband.  I had just talked to him on the phone and he wasn't having a great day physically and I was trying to prepare myself for what I would find when I got there.  And a song came on the radio and tears streamed down my face.  I just knew God was with me as I saw the most brilliant sunset in front of me on a cold fall evening, on my way to pick up my husband from work.

"Light Up The Sky"

The Afters

When I’m feeling all alone and so far to go
The signs are nowhere on this road guiding me home
When the night is closing in
It’s falling on my skin
Oh God will You come close

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

When stars are hiding in the clouds
I don’t feel them shining
When I can’t see beyond my doubt
The silver lining
When I’ve almost reached the end
Like a flood You’re rushing in
Love is rushing in

Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can’t deny
Oh I can’t deny that You are right here with me
You’ve opened my eyes so I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me

So I run straight to Your arms
You’re the bright and morning Sun
To show Your love, there’s nothing You won’t do

In the midst of confusion of intense emotions, God met me there.  He showed me that He was with me.  And I felt the intensiveness of life.

Well, today as I ran along the trail, only a half mile or so where I saw the geese last fall, I looked up in the sky and saw a flock once again.  This time the clouds had scattered, the sun beat down on my face with the coming Spring, and I turned off my ipod so I would hear the squawking once again.  Today, I had dropped off a more healthy Caleb who was smiling and walking in to work himself.  Words cannot express the emotions, the gratitude that run deep down to know that for today the world feels okay.

And as life seems more peaceful, I hope to always keep these lessons on the forefront of my mind.  To take deep breaths, enjoy those around me, being aware of God's nearness and my smallness, and to know that no matter what....that all is well with my soul, emotions and all.

Our Anniversary and Caleb's Birthday

With each day, life seems to be getting more and more "normal"...and with it, our hearts, minds, and body are beginning to rest and relax again. For a while it seemed like days like these would never come again. We were getting so concerned for what our new normal would be. But, we are hopeful for a full recovery. Caleb has been out of his wheelchair for a few weeks, he has driven a couple of times, and as of yesterday he is off all his meds!  And even better, our home is full of laughter and joy!

I think that last week was the first time I was able to really let my body and mind just relax.  I took five days off work to celebrate our 2nd anniversary and Caleb's birthday.  It was a much needed break, and has made a whole of difference mentally.

Because Caleb had to work during the day of our anniversary, we couldn't go out of town until the next day.  So we took advantage of a night in town by going to Cinetopia, an amazing theatre here in town (thank you Pixton's for the gift card!).  It was amazing because Caleb still can't do stairs, so typical stadiums would not have been an option, so we enjoyed our movie in a parlor room theatre that didn't have all the stairs a normal stadium would have.  It was like sitting in a living room to watch the movie on a huge screen...it was a perfect date night!

The following day, Caleb's birthday, we took off to go to Lincoln City.  And I have to say that God answered my prayers and gave us beautiful weather.  It has been hailing and raining until we pulled into town, and when we got there it was literally t-shirt weather.  It was amazing to sit on the balcony of the hotel, and soak up some Vitamin D.  And we had a fabulous view from our room, which was great because Caleb still isn't a point where he could go for a walk on the beach yet.  It was one of my most favorite times since we have been married.

All we did all day was read, watch tv, knit (well, I just knit) and eat. :)  It was great because there was a full kitchen in our room, which was helpful because of all of Caleb's dietary restrictions.  And the view of the sunset was beyond spectacular!

The next day we woke and up and did more of the same until we went home.  Except for feeding the seagulls.  We had one in particular that hung out with us all morning. Caleb named him Pete...after Pete Carroll, head coach of the Seahawks.  Haha!  He loved Pete.  I even asked him what he was thinking about at some point and he said, "I like Pete.  I was just wondering if he will be in heaven with us."  Haha! True story.  LOL!

And, Caleb's feet are looking better.  I had to take a picture while we were there just for documentations sake.  It is amazing to see the improvement, and to think of how bad they were only a  month and a half ago when he was in the hospital.

So, all in all, we are doing really well.  We still have a long way to go, but that is okay.  We are thankful for the improvement and time we have together.

As we celebrated our anniversary, it is pretty humorous that my dad, his mom, and his sister all thought it was our third anniversary instead of second.  We feel like we have been married for ten years instead of a couple, considering all we have been through.  But with the trials have come perspective. We hope and strive for a love that is purely to serve the other and appreciate all the other has to offer.  Selflessness.  If we can do that for decades to come I know we will have a rich marriage.  And we feel like we do already, we are way more in love today then we were when we said "I do."  In fact, we look back at the pictures of our wedding and think it is crazy how much we thought we knew what love was then...but now, with all we have been through, it feels like nothing compared to now.  And our hope and prayer is that only continues through the years ahead.  True love is worth fighting for, self sacrifice and all.   And, lucky for me, I have an amazing man who has a lot of fun and joy in the midst of it all! :)

Does this officially mean we aren't newlyweds anymore?  Aren't you considered newlyweds for two years?  Wow.  Well, we definitely aren't pros yet, but that's okay.  We hope we have many, many more years to figure the other person out! :)  How fun is that?! :)

Joshua Caleb Barnes

Caleb's first name is actually not Caleb, it is Joshua. However, he has gone by his middle name since birth. I think he has one of the best names ever. So, I have been thinking a lot about his name as we celebrated his birthday yesterday. Well, I have actually thought of how well suited his name is for him for months now. His parents did a great job naming him on so many levels.

They named him after two of the most amazing men in the Bible. Joshua and Caleb. And Caleb takes after both of them more then his parents probably would have ever guessed when he was born.

Many know that one of my favorite books in the Bible is Deuteronomy. I often go back to it to read when I have gone through a time of struggle; its just familiar to me. And it is great cause the first chapter speaks of Joshua and Caleb.

In this chapter, it says that Caleb "wholly followed the LORD." Those who know my husband, even a little, know that this is especially true of him as well. Just like Caleb in the Bible who stood out among those around him, so does my husband stand out by his undeniably unwavering faith and pure love for his God. It is hard to explain, unless you actually get the privilege to get to know him, how loyal and fully Caleb loves and trusts God.

You see, Joshua and Caleb, along with the people of Isreal, were told by God that He was going to give them a certain area of land. When they and the others went and spied out the land, everybody came back saying that the land was beautiful and full of amazing food for them...but it was full of people much bigger and stronger then them. They did not trust God guiding them there or in His strength to go with them, instead they were scared of the giant people in the land. Only Joshua and Caleb, out of all the people, trusted God and obeyed Him. As a result, they were the only two God allowed to go into and possess the amazing land. God wanted to bless the people, but Joshua and Caleb were the ones that trusted God to get them there. And they were the two, that in the end, received His blessing.

This has been huge in our lives recently. We have faced our own giants as we have struggled with Caleb's medical condition. It can leave us uncertain at times about so many things...dreams, finances, hopes, our future. But Caleb's unwavering faith has carried me through, and continues to. I don't think you can appreciate a simple and pure faith that God is big until you meet somebody like my husband. He is unwavering in His faith that God is with us, will provide for us, He is helping us, and is good to us. I never heard Caleb complain once while he suffered more then I have ever seen anybody suffer. Instead he just kept saying that we can trust God and that he only wanted to be faithful. His faith helped me so much these last six months. And so did his joy in the midst of pain.

And on another side note, the actual meaning of the name Caleb is unclear between a couple different things. First, and appropriately, it could mean "faithful, devoted, and whole hearted." The other could mean "loyal dog." :) Think man's (or woman...me!) best friend. Again, only those who know him will appreciate how appropriate both of those meanings are.

So all to say, I am appreciating my husband on so many levels as we celebrated his birthday. And secondly, I think it is a fabulous name for my many many many friends who are pregnant. :)

Oh and I will post more on our anniversary and his birthday when we have a working computer soon, and can upload pictures from my camera.:)

Winter is over...

Winter is officially over, and spring is finally here.  It seems quite appropriate in that our last season, as difficult as it has been, seems to be taking a turn and we are hopeful for a bright future.  Although we randomly had snow yesterday, today we had our sunroof back as we drove to yet another doctor appointment.  And the news we got there was that things continue to improve in Caleb's body! But that is not surprising...we have seen him improve slowly day by day.

The biggest improvement we have seen is in Caleb's ability to walk (slowly).  In fact, he is able to take 100 steps at once.  When I stop to think about it, I can cry.  What we took for granted so much before, well, it's priceless to us now.  Even the fact that he can stand and give me a hug is a gift on so many levels.

All this is to say life is just beginning to feel "normal" again...and we could not be more humbly thankful.  We are thankful for sleep, thankful that we are surrounded by many who love us deeply, thankful God has provided for us, and thankful the sun is out today! And Caleb is sitting next to me and wanted me to add again that he is thankful he can walk!

I think it is going to take a few months to process what we have endured the last 6 months, but that is okay.  I don't think we will ever quite be the same...but hopefully more grateful, humble, generous, gracious, and faithful.  We keep saying that we feel like we have just been in war...but that we have come out stronger and victorious.  God has helped us and been by our side...It is hard to put to words how sure of that we are, because all we know is He has given us His strength, and nearness.  I wish words could adequately describe to others how real He has been in our lives.

So now, back to work (for the both of us).  I am still struggling at getting back to clients and getting them into my schedule.  Almost there though! And Caleb is back to work for about 20 hrs/week for the time being.  It's good for his heart and mind (not just body) to be back at work.

So bring on spring!!! We are craving some good vitamin D, open windows, new adventures, and some good food from the farmer's market!

And just a reminder to all who have prayed for us....please thank God for all that He has helped us through.  I just want Him to know how grateful we are!

Updates, Surprises, Visits, and News

I lay here under my blankets, in my pj's early tonight, as I try to relax before going back to work tomorrow.  I have come to conclude that being in a calm place in life is priceless, and rare.  Then again, how much of it is our attitudes versus the circumstances....

I have not posted updates the last couple of weeks because my computer crashed.  Although that was an amazing week in that Caleb got home from the hospital, we kind of felt like there was a black cloud above us....we got home and got Caleb all situated, and then quickly realized he lost his wallet at the hospital (how did I think it was a good idea to give it to a man on drugs to keep track of?!?!).  The next day my computer crashed as I tried to write a blog.  Then three days after that, as I left to go to a women's night out with ladies from church (ie., first time I was able to be social with these ladies in forever!) my car stalled and the check engine light came on.  UGH! 

Well, I am thankful for an amazing and trustworthy mechanic, so my car is fixed.  We have replaced credit cards and have fraud alerts activated.  And the computer problem is being resolved, thanks to some amazing and generous loved ones in our life!  And, for now, I am borrowing my friend's extra laptop...

But the more exciting reason why I haven't updated is that Sheila, Caleb's mom, visited last week!!  It was so much fun having her here!!  The most special part about it was that we didn't tell Caleb that she was coming, and we pulled off the surprise perfectly!  :)

We just had such a great time with her here!  She just blessed us so much!!  First, she came bearing gifts (which we are sooo grateful for and feel so spoiled!).  But secondly, she served us so, so much!  She cooked and cleaned and...get this....she even cleaned my fridge!  I think that means we are officially family, haha!  We truly bonded for me to let her go near it to clean. lol! :) 

But my favorite part of the trip was introducing her to Bob's Red Mill headquarters and restaurant.  She might as well have been in a candy store, versus health food store! :)  And our breakfast there was sooo yummy!

The only downfall was that her trip came and went so fast.  I think we are all trying to make plans already for her and Bobby to come out this summer together.  It will be fun to show them Portland, all of us together, when the sun is actually out and Caleb is able to get around a little easier! :)

Another big moment was yesterday when we finally got back to church, after being gone for over two months.  Caleb was even able to walk in!  And me, well, I cried the moment I walked in when Steph and Liz gave me a hug.  It was so good to be back and it meant so much considering all we had been through since the last time we were there.  But we have known all along that everybody there has been going through this along with us.  It was just great to be with them all...so special.

But now, tonight, it is just calm.  I think it is going to take a while for me to truly feel caught up from the events of the past couple months.  I seem to wake up feeling refreshed, but a few hours later, I am exhausted again.  So, sleep and coffee and a good book are my companions whenever possible these days. :)  So now....on to try to catch up for my book club.  I think I kind of got a little behind this last month...I am on page 19 of  279....